


Taking It Like a Man

by skepwith



Series: Sexytimes With Deadpool [2]
Category: Deadpool (2016)
Genre: Analingus, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, F/M, Femdom, Humor, PWP, Pegging, Rimming, Wade is a sub, We all know it, that's ass-munching to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:07:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6688543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skepwith/pseuds/skepwith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Usually I’m not the kinda guy to end things prematurely, but you may have noticed that a certain scene in my movie (I know you know the one I mean) got cut off before it really had a chance to get started. So here it is, for all your perverted pegging pleasure: my full-length, uncut account of International Women’s Day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taking It Like a Man

“Nope. No. Nope!”

“Okay, I’m pulling out now. Easy.”

That’s my girlfriend, Vanessa, who completes me like a pornographic jigsaw puzzle.

{Wait, is this the comics Vanessa or the movie Vanessa?}

[The movie one, obviously. Didn’t you see the summary?]

{Well I’m sorry but I never read those!}

 _As I was saying…_ Vanessa, raunchy snugglebunny of my heart, eased the tip of her strap-on out of my sensitive manhole and said, “Are you okay?”

“Fuck, that felt like trying to shove the Hindenburg through a keyhole.”

“I told you you needed more prep!”

“But,” I whined in a manly way, “I just really wanted you to go to town on my ass. You know, pound me like a sailor on shore leave. Plow me like a farmer with a really big hoe.”

“With this monster?” She grabbed the dildo and waggled it at me. It was bright purple with sparkles, which was about 50% of why I’d chosen it. Okay, 75%.

I sat up, wincing. “I thought… I thought I was man enough to take it.”

Vanessa knee-walked across the bed, dildo bobbing, and clasped my face between her hands. “Dumbass,” she said. “It’s supposed to feel _good._ Otherwise, what’s the point?”

“I dunno. Subverting the gender paradigm? More than when I wear your panties, I mean.”

Cocking her head to one side, she said, “You really wanna do this, huh?” Above the strap-on she wore this dominatrixy leather bustier that did amazing things for her tits, cut just low enough for her nipples to peep over the top and say hello.

My heartbeat picked up speed at the sight, and I started to feel like my boner might come back out of hiding sometime this week. “Yeah,” I said. “I really do.”

“Okay, then, we’ll get you there,” she promised. Because Vanessa was amazing like that. God knows how she ended up with me. Even though this was before my face looked like a used Kleenex, she was still way out of my league. She continued, “But we’re gonna take it slow. This isn’t a porno.”

“No, it’s ‘erotica,’ although to tell the truth I’ve never been able to figure out the difference.”

Ignoring me, she grabbed one of the pillows from the head of the bed and said, “Lie down on your stomach.”

“Okay, you’re the boss,” I said. “On account of it being International Women’s Day and all.” She shoved the pillow under my hips so my ass was kind of poking up in the air, a position that made me feel a smidge vulnerable.  

Her hands smoothed up my spine and into my hair, stroking my scalp. Warm breath tickled my ear as she whispered, “Relax.” Her tongue licked the curve of my ear, then the lobe, which she pulled it into her mouth and suckled.

“Hey, you know me, I’m always relaxed. I’m like Jheri Curl—ah!” Teeth bit down on my earlobe just right, and a jab of electricity shot straight to my balls. “Oh, yeah, that’s the stuff!” I blurted. Wade Jr began to swell and stiffen as he decided to rejoin the party.

Vanessa kissed around the back of my neck, open-mouthed, while her fingers curled into my hair. She tugged sharply and my cock twitched. “Guh!” I said appreciatively.

Then her hands were gone and all I felt was light kisses along my spine, one after the other, slowly moving downwards. Her nipples, poking perkily out of the top of her bustier, brushed against my back. They were hard.

I groaned. “You’re gonna make this last forever just to torture me, aren’t you?”

“Mm-hmm,” she said, not hiding the smile in her voice. I could hear my own breath in my ears over the sound of Vancouver sunshine spattering against the window.

{I thought we lived in New York.}

[We’re in the movie universe right now.]

{Our movie was filmed in Vancouver?}

[Seriously? How could you not notice?]

Vanessa’s lips kept working their way down my vertebrae until they dipped into the small of my back and landed on my tailbone, just above where my crack began.

My breath caught in my throat. “Uh, are you about to do what I think you are?”

Her hands slid down my ass cheeks, squeezing firmly, thumbs stroking. Then I felt her warm, wet tongue dip into the top of my crack.

“Oh my God,” I warbled, “that is so filthy! I fucking love it!”

She laughed. “Spread ’em!” she said, pushing my cheeks apart. “Gonna work that tight little hole niiice and open.”

“Yes, ma’am!” I squeaked, spreading open my thighs. And then her wide wet tongue licked from my balls up my taint and across my hole in one hot swipe, and I shuddered, swearing, “Fuck me!”

“That’s the idea,” she said. Then she wasn’t talking anymore because her mouth was busy sucking on my asshole, which was way filthier and hotter than I'd imagined. Her tongue made wet, teasing circles around my hole, while her fingers dug into the meat of my ass like she was trying to tenderize it.

My hips rocked, trying to grind my hard cock into the mattress. “Ohmygod, that feels so fucking good,” I babbled. “Holyshit don’tstop,”

She chuckled, sending little vibrations through my skin, and slid the pointed tip of her tongue past my rim and inside me.

I know I kept talking, because as anyone can tell you I never shut up, but hand to God, I have no idea what I said. All I can remember is the feeling of Vanessa’s tongue licking in and out of my hole, pushing deeper each time, until I was a loose, sloppy mess. And my ass was pretty relaxed, too.

She pulled back and I heard the wet noise of a finger going into her mouth. When I propped myself up on my elbows and turned back to look, she was just pulling it out with a pop. Her lips were swollen—red and shiny. I swore under my breath at the sight, and she winked at me. Then I felt her wet finger rub over and around my hole. She pushed the tip inside, breaching me. How could something so small and dainty feel so big?

“Fuck, you’re still pretty tight,” she said.

“Gnhh!” I agreed.

Her head dipped again and I felt her tongue join the finger, licking and stroking as she slowly worked her way deeper inside me. Just knowing I was being penetrated was enough to make my cock drool all over the sheets, but then she was stroking me from the inside and the gentle pressure set off sparks I could feel all the way to the soles of my feet.

“Fuuuuuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck.”

Vanessa was on Mission: Target Prostate, and like the Mounties, she always got her man. I let out a sort of strangled moan and my eyes rolled back in my head. “There?” she asked sweetly, rubbing firm little circles.

“Uh-huh,” I panted. “Yup. Yes, please.”

I was dimly aware of a drawer opening, and then lube was being drizzled on my hole. “Cold!” I yelped.

“Sorry!” Her finger worked back inside me, slicker now, and was joined by a friend. She pushed and stretched, rubbing that spot as her fingers worked me open. I rocked back against the pressure, wanting more. The burning feeling, which had been the not-fun kind of pain on our first try, was now just enough to make me quiver. I was still propped on my elbows, with my head hanging between my shoulders and my forehead pressed against my fists. I panted hot and damp against my own skin, saying, “Yeah, more… I want… give it all to me. I wanna take it.”

“Yeah? You like that?” said Vanessa breathlessly. She had three fingers in me now, twisting and thrusting with obscenely sloppy noises. “Think you’re ready to take my cock?”

“Oh, _hell_ yeah.”

“What’s the magic word?”

“Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease…”

I heard her laugh, and then the slick, blunt head of her cock was pushing into me.

“Oh fuck,” I gasped. “That’s… really big.” The burn was back, on the edge of too painful as the dildo stretched me wider than seemed physically possible.

“Relax,” she soothed, rubbing slow circles into my lower back. Amazingly, I did, and her cock slipped past my resistance and slid in deeper. The friction felt fucking incredible. I was breathing harshly, sweat dripping from my face onto the sheets. “Yeah,” I panted, “keep…keep going. Don’t stop.”

“Mmmm,” she said, which must have been agreement ’cause she slowly rocked forward, nudging into me, gradually working that big silicone dick deep inside me until her hips were flush against my ass.

“Way to go, babe,” she whispered. “You took the whole thing. How does it feel?”

“God. Like, full. So full. This is amazing. I can’t believe you’re actually fucking me.”

“Oh, we’re just getting started.” She pulled back slowly, making me groan, then thrust forward so hard I swear I saw fucking stars.

“Ohmygod, do that again!”

Leaning back on her knees, she grabbed my hips and started thrusting in and out in a steady rhythm, accompanied by a porn-worthy soundtrack of squelching and slapping. Not to mention yours truly expressing my five-star satisfaction with the proceedings. “Yeah!” I said, arching my back and surging back against her with each thrust. “ _Fuck!_ Harder! More!”

“Shoulda known you’d like it rough, you slut!” she laughed, picking up the pace and pounding into me like the pro she was.

My face dropped onto the bed while my fingers clenched around fistfuls of sheet. “Yes! God, yes!” I moaned into the mattress. “Ride me hard and put me away wet!”

Vanessa whooped like a cowgirl and slapped my ass. I think she was enjoying this almost as much as I was. Even the neighbours pounded on the wall to show their support.

After a second slap on the ass, I couldn’t hold back—I grabbed my straining cock and pumped it fast and tight. Vanessa’s fingers dug into my hips, pulling me back onto her cock while she punched her hips forward remorselessly. High-pitched _ohs!_ burst out of her with every deep thrust, while I made sounds I hadn’t even known were in my vocal range.

My balls tightened unbearably and for I don’t know how long I hovered on that almost-painful edge, until my cock pulsed and I was coming with a full-body rush. I groaned as hot come spurted over my fist.

{Shouldn’t that be “cum”?}

[It’s spelled “come,” you cretin.]

{What’s a cretin?}

We both collapsed face-forward, panting. Vanessa recovered first and eased the dildo out of my ass. Her face and chest were flushed and her hair was a mess. She looked like a dream come true. “Wanna sit on my face?” I asked, still breathless.

“No, I’m good. Maybe later.” She unstrapped the dildo and tossed it over her shoulder before flopping down next to me. Leaning forward, she gave me a long, lazy, filthy kiss, which I returned in spades.

Our tender moment was interrupted by more thumping on the wall. “Thank you very much!” I shouted. “We’ll be here all week!”

“Don’t forget to tip your waitress!” she yelled.

Her laughing face was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I gazed into her big brown eyes and asked, “Do you believe in soul mates?”

Caressing my face with a smile, she said lovingly, “Wade, sweetie, shut up and go to sleep.”

 

 

 


End file.
